


leave us in ruins

by liviafan1



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: AU where elliot comes back for Tucker's funeral, Bensler, EO - Freeform, Elliot was not undercover, F/M, angsty but will end happily
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liviafan1/pseuds/liviafan1
Summary: She didn't think her grief over the last few months (Simon, Tucker) could break her apart any more — until he shows up at Ed Tucker's funeral as if she hasn't spent the last 10 years mourning his absence, too. EO.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a minute since I wrote EO, but after my recent rewatch and the return of Elliot Stabler, I couldn't deny the inspiration.

An aching pressure settles deep in Olivia’s chest as she steps out onto the street behind Rollins, gritting her teeth as the rain pelts her cheek before she has a chance to open her umbrella. Of course it would rain _today,_ just another element of misery to add to the angry maelstrom of emotions she’s been grappling with the last three months since her brother died.

She tugs her coat tighter around her, blocking out the bite of the February wind. The long, thick jacket is bulky and unflattering — like so many of her clothes these days, to be honest — but it swallows her whole, keeps her warm, gives her another place to hide away and keep her grief in her clutches. The pain is gut-wrenching, to be sure, but it’s become so commonplace that she finds it to be a twisted sort of comfort now.

“You want me to drive, Liv?” the blonde-haired detective asks her, hazel eyes too soft on her for Olivia’s liking. She loves her squad — her family — but after Simon, after Tucker, every pitying glance makes her want to step into traffic. 

Olivia shakes her head, digging her keys from the pocket of her coat. The cheap pocket lining ripped a few weeks ago so it takes her too long now to fish them out. “Can you just check in with the others and make sure they’re on their way?”

“Yeah. I’ll call Kat, too. Just make sure she doesn’t need anything.”

Olivia grimaces as she opens the driver’s side back door, tossing her umbrella inside. Leaving Kat at the precinct by herself for an hour or two wasn’t her best idea, but Rollins and Fin insisted they join her at the funeral and she wasn’t in the mood to argue with them.

And she knows none of them have ever been big fans of Ed Tucker’s, so she appreciates the support, even if it’s simultaneously irritating as hell that they won’t leave her alone to do what she does best — coping alone.

“You want me to call Barba, too?”

Olivia shoves a key into the ignition, turning the car over. “He texted me when we were inside with the kids. Said he was ten minutes out.” She hadn’t wanted to subject Noah to a funeral for a man he would barely remember, if he remembered him at all, so she’d dropped him off to spend the afternoon with Jesse, Billie, and Rollins’ sitter.

“Have you heard from Munch or Cragen?” Amanda asks once Olivia pulls onto the street.

Olivia nods shortly. “They’ll be there.” _See? You didn’t have to come babysit me_ , she wants to say. But she bites her tongue.

It’s only a 15-minute drive to the cemetery, but if she has to tap into whatever energy she has left today to make conversation, she _will_ lose it. So Olivia flicks the radio on — just loud enough to drown out the squeak of the windshield wipers that definitely needed replaced 2 months ago — and hopes Rollins gets the message that they’re done talking for now.

She does.

* * *

“Liv,” Munch peers at her over his glasses, his knowing gaze stripping away a layer of her protective armor. She swallows hard, fiddling with her coat as she fastens another button.

“John,” she greets him with a broken smile, wrapping his thin frame in a one-armed hug. She swears that every time she sees him, he’s shrunk more.

“The Captain sends his condolences. Something about Eileen and a minor family emergency, but he’ll meet us at the bar after the service.”

After the service. Right. The reception that happens after the service where everyone mills around each other, exchanging empty words and cold handshakes armed with plates of food they’ll never touch (or maybe in this case, tumblers of whiskey — Tucker’s favorite). 

She’d forgotten. Somehow, she’d forgotten. 

Shit. At least there’d be alcohol.

“Liv?”

Olivia’s gaze snaps to her older friend, whose brown eyes brim with concern. “You okay?”

She mashes her lips together in a half-smile, tilting her head. “I’m fine.” She flinches after the brittle words leave her mouth, wonders if they sound as hollow to him as they do to her.

He’s quiet for a moment, too knowing as he lets her answer hang in the air between them. He seems to let it go, though, nudging his head off to the right. “In that case, I’m gonna go track down Fin.” He claps her on the shoulder. “He owes me money.”

Olivia expels a watery laugh, dismissing him with the wave of her hand. She stands alone then for a minute, closes her eyes and tilts her face up to the dreary sky. Drowning out the murmured voices of grief that surround her on all sides. Steeling herself for it. All of it. 

At least the rain has stopped. 

She quickly calculates that she probably only has another 30 seconds of _this_ before someone else from her squad carefully sidles up to her to ask her if she’s okay and she really can’t leave Noah behind while his mother goes to prison for murder, so she opens her eyes as she relaxes her neck to return to the Earth. Though she feels anything but grounded.

There’s only 5 minutes until the service is set to start. She hopes it’s quick so she can get the hell out of there. Maybe she can ditch the reception and -

"Liv,” a warm, familiar voice greets her as a gentle hand wraps around her elbow. 

“Rafael,” she sighs out as her friend steps into view. God, she’s missed him. She steps into his embrace, feels some of the tension drain out of her body. “Thank you for coming,” she whispers.

Barba pulls back, eyes scanning her face. Too knowing, as usual. Her Rafa. “I won’t insult you by asking you how you’re doing.”

“Well, thank God there’s one of you,” she jokes weakly. “How long before you have to go back to Iowa?”

He shrugs. “A few days. Thought maybe you’d like some company and I’ve missed my honorary nephew.”

Olivia hums a little chuckle. “He misses you, too.” She really does miss her friend — so much loss lately, she just wants to keep everyone close (when their concern isn’t suffocating her, anyway). She lets out a deep sigh. “We both do. Come over tomorrow for takeout?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He squeezes her arm. “Come on.”

She hooks her arm through his as they amble over to the rest of the squad — new and former — who have gathered near the officiant along with a dozen or two other cops, a short but respectable distance away to give Tucker’s family and close friends some breathing room. Olivia’s surprised there aren’t more people here, but she knows her ex made a lot of enemies during his time at Internal Affairs.

She finds her spot and sucks in a deep, shuddering breath. 

_Keep it together, Benson_.

* * *

Olivia has a firm grip on all of it — 

Until they put him in the ground.

The tears slide down her cheeks, slicing her open as they fall away, and she’s powerless to stop them. Space is all she craves right now, so she nudges her friends away with a quick flick of her hand and just stays there. Still. 

She has no idea how long it’s been — seconds, minutes, hours — when she hears a sob nearby that almost takes her off her feet. Her fingers curl into her palms as she digs her nails into the skin, horrified for seconds too long before she realizes the keening sound didn’t come from her.

Olivia turns her head to find Tucker’s late wife Patty, arms crossed over her chest, hiding behind a curtain of red hair as her body shakes in anguish a few feet away.

 _Oh_ . Her heart clenches in her chest. She hadn’t _forgotten_ about Ed’s wife, not really, but she’d been so caught up in her own pain and deep well of regrets over the way their relationship ended that the red-haired woman hadn’t really crossed her mind — not since they’d encountered each other those two times before he died.

Though Patty, Olivia remembers, had apparently heard plenty about her, which brings her an odd sense of comfort.

That knowledge is what propels her toward the other woman, careful not to startle her as Olivia makes her presence known. 

“Patty,” Olivia murmurs mournfully, closing the short distance between them as she wraps the other woman in a loose hug. Patty trembles under Olivia’s embrace and it shatters the last of her resolve. She bites down hard on her lip, tasting copper and drawing blood. 

“I’m so sorry,” Olivia chokes out. “He was a great man.”

Patty nods, sliding out of Olivia’s grasp. “Thank you for coming.” She takes Olivia’s hands in hers, gripping them tightly, and shit _,_ it reminds her of the night Dodds was shot and Tucker showed up at the hospital to show up for her and her squad. His calloused, reassuring fingers tight around hers while he promised he wouldn’t go anywhere.

 _I’m not going anywhere_.

Fuck, she can’t do this. She _cannot do this._

“Of course.” Olivia squeezes Patty’s hands before she relinquishes them to swipe at her eyes. A man she doesn’t recognize steps into their space for his turn and it’s the only excuse she needs to step away again. 

She’s shaking now, nausea tumbling around inside her stomach. She clutches her mouth, a choked, wretched sound escaping as she stumbles gracelessly away toward the car, her feet of lead catching on each other, as if she’s forgotten how to walk. 

Rafael steps into view, eyes light with concern, and she _can’t_ , she just can’t — she shakes her head furiously at him, thrusting an arm out to stop him from blocking her path. 

_No, no, no._

“Liv!” Fin calls out from somewhere off to her left, but she ignores him, sucking in fistfuls of crackling winter air as fast as her lungs will allow her. God, she feels like such a _bitch_ to everyone today, her people that just want to be there for her —

Finally, _finally_ she reaches her car, slamming a hand down onto the trunk to brace herself, bending over behind it in a dry heave, away from prying eyes. He’s gone, he’s just _gone_ — she watched them lower his body into the ground, like she watched them lower her brother into the ground, like she watched them lower her mother into the ground, like - 

_Oh_ _God_. 

Olivia doubles over, the side of her head colliding with a _smack_ against the handle of the back door. “Fuck,” she curses out as the tears continue to stream down her face. She nearly drops to her knees, so exhausted, so done, but she will not. Not here. If she has one shred of dignity left —

And then a pair of legs steps into view and her gut twists because she knows it’s been 10 years, but she’d spent 12 _looking at them_ and shit, it can’t be —

“Liv.”

No, no, no. Not today. 

She heaves in shock, hoping for once that her instincts are wrong and it’s Fin, Barba, Amanda, Carisi — literally _anyone else_ on God’s fucking green Earth.

But then - because she can’t help herself - she looks skyward and her eyes land on the familiar steely blue gaze of Elliot Stabler.

And then she does throw up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some overlap in time here between this chapter and last. I won't be doing that much in the future, in the interest of moving the story along, but it felt right here so we can get into both their heads when they see each other again for the first time.

From several yards away, Elliot bides his time until the graveside service starts so he can slip in the back undetected. But fifteen minutes inside the haven of the old car he borrowed from Maureen’s husband feels like fifteen more  _ years _ without her. Without Olivia. 

He rubs his hands together in front of the blasting air vent, but it does little to quell the shivers that run through him. Though if the sinking feeling in his stomach is any indication, he might have to chalk them up to the anxiety he feels about seeing her again and facing what he’s done head-on for the first time in nine years. In fact, he’d caught a glimpse of her from the side as he pulled in and he’d had to fumble at his shirt to unbutton the collar because he felt suffocated under the weight of this moment.

Elliot’s breath catches in his throat as he spots the preacher taking his place, the mourners finding their place in the grass nearby. After a minute, he decides it’s safe and steps out of the car, closing it quietly behind him.

He finds a place under a tree, far enough away from prying eyes, but close enough to observe her. He swallows hard, doesn’t think he could take his eyes off her even if he wanted to. He drinks her in, hungry, feeling like a man starved. 

He wonders that if they were still in sync — like they had been for all those years — if Olivia would’ve felt his presence here with her. If his eyes would’ve locked on hers as if no time had passed.

His gaze settles on those around her and his insides coil up, squeezing, when he realizes he only recognizes two of the people who have surrounded her like a fortress, as if they’ve refused to let anyone else scale that wall lest she suffer yet another heart-wrenching blow. 

But Olivia’s been through so much — enough to last a dozen lifetimes — and he’s glad that the people who have her back now can see that. Even if he wishes he was still one of them. Even if they can never possibly have her back in the same way the two of them once did with each other. 

But he’d given up that right a long time ago. And God help him, it’s only been in the last few months that he’s really come to terms with what a gigantic mistake he’s made.

Elliot shivers again, this time from lack of warmth, wishing he’d dressed in a few more layers before he’d left the place he’s subletting today. His blood had gotten a little too used to the Southern heat (though that’s about all it got used to) and he’s paying dearly for it now.

He watches as her head bows forward and she shoves her trembling hands into the pockets of her long peacoat. She dresses a little differently now — another layer of armor to hide behind, he thinks. She’s still beautiful and he can’t imagine there will ever come a time when he doesn’t just ache with need for her, doesn’t just  _ want  _ her — but the bulky coat, plain black pants, nondescript shoes, and hair a little too unruly isn’t her. It’s plain, nothing special. 

It’s ordinary.

The opposite of Olivia Benson.

Elliot doesn’t fully know the extent of her romantic relationship with the man he once hated so much he could’ve spit on him, but Fin would feed him information whenever he felt desperate enough to call him to check in on her. Usually, at least once a month.

Fin wasn’t an idiot — he knew the only way Elliot would stay away was if he knew how Olivia was  _ really _ doing, if she was truly happy and better off without him around. All things he (mostly) managed to believe after countless nights repeating it to himself over and over again like some fucked-up, martyred mantra bullshit. 

The final straw came when he found out that her brother OD’d and her ex-boyfriend ended his life within just a few months of each other. It’s only now that it really sucker punches him in the chest, only now that he sees — 

He stayed away too long. She’s been struggling much longer than anyone knows. And yeah, damn it all to hell, he never should’ve listened to Fin.

He knew Olivia’s relationship with Tucker was serious, but he can’t picture it after all the bullshit they went through with him — doesn’t  _ want _ to picture it, his stomach roiling at the thought. Still, there’s so much he doesn’t know about who she is now and the way she loves. The fact that she seems to be knee-deep in grief over the loss of the former IAB captain is plenty indicative of that.

Had she loved Tucker?

He’ll never forget the night Fin had confirmed the news. Elliot had called him one night four years ago after a particularly heart-wrenching case that only Olivia would’ve understood. He yanked his suitcase out of the closet in the same breath that he told Fin to  _ fuck off _ ,  _ I’m done listening to you.  _ He made it through half the drawers in his dresser before Fin’s words began to sink in. 

_ She’s happy, man. She’s dating Ed Tucker and they’ve got a great thing goin’. You showin’ up here would only wreck that. _

_ Tell me about their relationship, Fin _ , he scraped out, shoving his suitcase onto the floor before collapsing onto the edge of the bed, head in his hands. 

_ You don’t need that in your head, Elliot. Don’t do this to yourself, man _ . And then he’d hung up. This time, it would be another three months until they spoke again.

During that time, it was all he could do not to think about her with  _ him _ .

It kept him up at night, wondering how it all started, if Tucker had softened over the years and his paths crossed with Olivia on a case (or two). Did she flirt with him over a glass of wine, her fingers brushing the inside of his wrist, a flirty smile stretched across her mouth?

And on their mornings after, did he slide his hands through the sleep-rumpled strands of her hair and kiss her good morning, insisting she sleep a little longer while he and her son made pancakes in the kitchen?

He pictures the three of them in Central Park on a sunny Sunday, imagines Olivia letting Tucker whisk her away somewhere after a hard case. Time off she would’ve refused a decade ago but that she would relish now after years of trauma and finally realizing her dream of becoming a mother.

_Fuck_. His chest tightens with the knowledge that Tucker, _Ed_ _Tucker_ , met Olivia’s son before he did.

_ Kissed _ Olivia before he did.

Slept with - 

Jesus. 

Elliot clenches his jaw at the thought, scrubbing a hand there at his chin, still not quite used to the close shave after years of growing it out. 

He can’t believe he’s so mind-numbingly jealous of a dead man. 

His phone buzzes in his pocket just then and he already knows it’s Kathy, warning him to tread lightly around Olivia. After he left the force and spent a year failing to make his crumbling marriage work, he’d been ready to find Olivia again, make amends, explain to her that he just needed some time to figure out the state of his marriage outside the job — 

Figure out how she would fit into his life now.

Until he ran into Fin, found out all about her life, the happiness she’d found with Cassidy. How she changed, how she moved on.

_ You didn’t see how broken she was after you left. She deserves this and you comin’ in here to mess with that will only set her back, Elliot. _

His ex-wife, bless her, had tried to talk him out of taking a job with the FBI in Oklahoma, but he needed to put as much space between him and Olivia as possible. 

Even after, Kathy would bring it up every so often.  _ Elliot, you’re miserable down there. Come back to Manhattan. The kids miss you.  _ She _ misses you. _

And now? Now it’s been 9 years and there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell Olivia will forgive him for staying away this long.

But he doesn’t care. He has nothing left to lose. He’s just an idiot with no fucking game plan.

After Tucker’s casket is lowered into the ground, the crowd begins to disperse. Olivia remains unmoved, other than the little flick of her hand she gives to her squad, seeming to signal her desire for space. Elliot ducks his head a little, hoping to remain unnoticed while he stays in his spot to watch her. He told Fin he was coming back, but he doubts the other man would expect him to show up here today.

He knows if Olivia had her way, she’d have come alone today without any of them. She’s desperate to drop the mask, he thinks, and she won’t be able to, not as long as she’s got her people surrounding her.

Staring at her now, it hits him again. He’s missed her so much that he aches with it all, aches all the time — in bed, in the shower, in the car. Hell, even on the streets of Oklahoma City where they’d never spent a day together. He’s seen  _ her _ in everyone and everywhere for the last decade. 

Which is why when he finally made up his mind this time, he simply couldn’t wait — as soon as he’d gotten the transfer approved from the Bureau, he’d hopped on a plane for New York and only took a breath long enough to shower, shave, and stop by his old place to kiss his kids hello.

God, Olivia would hate this. She’d despise him, curse him out — not only for his radio silence all these years, but for showing up today of all days when she’s vulnerable, struggling under the weight of everything, and unable to steel herself against him as much as she would during any other time.

She’s going to hate _ him,  _ deservedly, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with that when all he wants to do is take her in his arms and beg for forgiveness. 

A broken sob just then jerks him to attention and he realizes it’s coming from her. Fuck. He recognizes the signs: the hand over her mouth, the darkness in her gaze, the incoming meltdown she would rather die for than let anyone see. 

Before he can take a breath, his feet carry him away as she starts to flee. It’s a mistake, it’s such a  _ mistake _ for him to go to her now, but even after all this time, it’s still a goddamned reflex and Christ, he can’t stop, he won’t — 

She pushes away a man Elliot doesn’t recognize and ignores Fin’s urgent call and then he starts to close in on her, panicky without a plan as she ducks down behind the side of her car. She lets out a broken curse and before he can stop himself, he’s  _ there _ , stepping around to find her crouching just above the ground, tears streaming down her face.

His heart pounds loudly in his chest, and he’s struck dumb again with the realization that he has no fucking clue what to say.

He sees the exact moment she recognizes him — her entire spine stiffening as her watery gaze falls upon his legs. It shudders through his body like a bolt of thunder and her familiar nickname escapes his mouth before his brain can consent. It’s like breathing again after drowning for so long. 

And then she’s bent over in a dry heave, taken aback by his presence, and he’s paralyzed with it, can’t decide if he should step closer or flee altogether to leave her to her grief in peace. 

But then the decision is made for him as she lifts her eyes in grim  _ fuck you _ defiance, a spark flaring in the eyes of the woman he loves as they see each other face-to-face for the first time since he’d put his papers in without a word to her 9 years ago. 

That glimmer he recognizes lasts all of two seconds before she jerks to the side, emptying the contents of her stomach onto the concrete next to her.

_ Oh Liv _ .

He doesn’t think, just drops to his knees next to her as he gathers her long hair in his hands, holding it back from her face. She flinches at his touch and it makes him wince even though he shouldn’t have expected anything less.

Olivia stops then though, lifting her head to suck in mouthful after mouthful of frigid air. Oh, he thinks he has — yeah, he does — he fishes around in the pocket of his coat with his free hand and pulls out a small wad of clean tissues.

He holds them out for her. “Here,” he says gently.

Her eyes dip down to what he offers her and she accepts them wordlessly. Her touch barely glances off the palm of his hand but it’s enough to leave him reeling for more.

But then she’s wiping her mouth and shrinking away from his touch, can’t get away fast enough as she gets to her feet. He follows her lead, can’t tear his eyes away from her face as it hardens once more, locking her away from him. Still, he doesn’t miss the way her hand shakes as she shoves the tissue into the pocket of her coat. 

Olivia doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just expels a hollow, breathless laugh with the jerk of her head as she stares off into the distance, avoiding his stare.

She starts to pace a little then, thrusting one hand into the pocket of her coat to gesticulate, her other hand reaching around to the back of her neck as she shakes her head in disbelief. He should say something,  _ Christ _ , anything, but then she stops in front of him, all hard lines and fury.

She cocks her head and his stomach drops. “Are you fucking kidding me, Elliot?”


End file.
